Be kind to Yourself - March 11

by Nancy Piper

Your pet has died. Your beloved friend, companion, child has died. You are grieving. You are probably astounded by the intensity of your grief. Be assured that grief over the death of a pet is not immature, crazy, or overly sentimental. It is normal, natural, and proper. If you love deeply, you grieve deeply.

Your Buddy
Your buddy, your best friend was with you nearly 24/7 for all of his life with you. Your companion was never too busy for you, wanted to be with you, didn’t ever lie to you, comforted you when you were upset, was there for you during the bad times as well as the good times, and saw you at your absolute worst and still loved you unconditionally. He was your confidante, your social partner, perhaps your exercise partner, and was a daily source of joy and laughter. Your beloved pet fulfilled your need to nurture and comfort someone. Your pet was part of your family; perhaps was your family. You loved him, were concerned about him, had fun with him and enjoyed his companionship. He also met your need for physical contact; touch was probably an important part of your relationship. Your pet was part of the ritual of your days; was woven into the very fabric of your life.
When he died, no wonder you were devastated. This may be one of the most significant losses in your life. There are no words to describe your relationship with your pet. Pet grief is real.

Perfectly Normal to Grieve
It is perfectly normal and natural to grieve when a loved one dies, although you may be surprised by the raw emotion. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions over a period of time. To deny or repress your grief would be to devalue the love your companion animal brought into your life. When grief is freely expressed, the healing time is generally greatly reduced. It is okay to cry, it is okay to ask questions, it is ok to view the body, it is okay to reminisce about your pet’s life.
In the Western World, we are not taught how to effectively handle grief, whether it is our own or someone else’s. When we are grieving over the death of a beloved companion animal, we typically don’t know what to do, plus we think we’re crazy! You are not the only one who feels this way after the death of a pet; other people feel this way, too.
Anybody who has lost a loved one, albeit a beloved companion animal, has a broken heart. Sometimes you don’t look like it or sound like it, but know that there is a broken heart in there. When you are grieving, there is nothing wrong with your head. It is your heart that is broken. Yet we have been taught to deal with grief and emotion in an intellectual way. We have been raised with different clichés with which to address emotions.

Dealing with the Clichés
Here are some of the clichés we were raised with:

• Don’t Cry. Don’t Feel Bad. It’s okay to cry. Crying is part of the grief process. It helps get the grief out. We have been so conditioned to convert our emotions to intellect that we think we are defective for having emotions at all.
• I Know How You Feel. No two relationships are the same, so no one can ever know how another person feels. You can only know how you feel, and it is awful.
• Be Strong for Others. Now is not the time to be strong. Let non-grievers be strong. It is okay to grieve openly, to show the depths of your emotions. Teach children that it is okay to grieve, to have emotions and to let the emotions show.
• Be Grateful. Now is not the time to be grateful. A griever can’t be grateful for anything right now. Later on, after going through the grief process, you can be grateful for many things.
• He Led a Full Life! So what? He’s still dead and your heart is still broken and you have lost the physical relationship with him.
• We’ll Get You A New One on Saturday. The loss can’t be replaced. You can bring a new puppy or kitty or parrot into your heart, but you can never replace the companion you lost.
• Grieve Alone. Don’t do that. Find another griever and sit with him. Hug each other. Comfort each other. Talk. Tell your pet’s story. A good friend can also fill this role; usually one who has experienced the human-animal bond. A Pet Grief Recovery Group can also help you with this, by providing a safe place to grieve.
• Keep Busy. And then what? What happens when you collapse at the end of the day? Your heart is still broken and you’re exhausted and nothing has been resolved. There are physical activities you can do which will help with grief, but don’t keep busy for the sake of being busy.
• Just Give It Time. Time will heal. Time does not resolve grief. It depends on what you do with the time that counts. Remember the good and the bad. Deal with the pain. You have to work through it to recover from the loss.
• He Lived a Long Time. Your heart rebels at these words. Yes, he did. But you still miss him; your heart is still broken.
There are more clichés, like “Jesus needed a little dog for someone else.” “God works in mysterious ways.” “Everything usually works out for the best.” None of these help heal a broken heart.

Grief Hurts
Grief hurts. Ignoring your grief, hiding your grief from yourself and others, just hoping it will go away doesn’t help. Grief is a process, a journey, not an event. You have to experience the emotion, go through the process, work through the pain even a little bit at a time, in order to come out the other side and be healed. If you make an active effort to work through your grief, you will eventually successfully navigate your grief journey. There is not a set time frame for this. You will eventually arrive at a new “normal” because life will never be the same. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be assured that what you are feeling is normal. Never pretend your heart isn’t broken. Do what feels right to you; there is not a wrong way and a right way. You have loved and you have lost. You will be a stronger and more capable person because of it. You will also be ready to open your heart to another companion animal. You may find another place in your heart for a new love.

Nancy Bush Piper has owned Rolling Acres Memorial Gardens for Pets, a pet cemetery, crematorium, and funeral home in Kansas City, for over 31 years. She has a Bachelor of Arts degree in psychology and sociology from Northwest Missouri State University. Nancy continued her education in the cemetery industry, attending the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association University for two years, where she also taught a course one year. She was certified as a Grief Recovery Specialist in 1999 by the Grief Recovery Institute, Sherman Oaks, CA. Nancy worked in the human cemetery and funeral industry before, as well as after, she became involved with the after-life care of pets. Nancy and her husband, Gary, are blessed with many animals in their lives. Visit her website at www.visitrollingacres.com